The Ned Wood Archive

Wish, and the thunder clouds will vanish
Wish, and the storm will fade away

There was a man called Offal, son of Odd Long Axe, son of Oblong the Bloody, son of Oxen the Bold. Offal Oddsson was tall and strong. In the winter he worked on his farm or went fishing. In the summer he took twenty or thirty of his strongest, most powerful men in his longship to find new lands to plunder and to find new enemies to slay. After the raids, he shared his treasure with all of those who sailed with him and survived. He had a son, who was sprinkled with water and named Orion.

In the same village lived a man called Bard, son of Bald, son of Bogtrot, son of Jack of Knaresborough. Bard was short and square and strong, but he was the only man in the village who could be considered handsome and everyone had good things to say about him.

Offal Oddsson had a sister called Odessa. She was tall and strong and fair. Bard thought that she would make a good wife, so he went to visit Oxen the Bold and asked him what he thought. Oxen the Bold said yes, so Bard and Odessa were married. They had a son called Pete who was tall and fair like his mother and handsome and charming like his father.

Pete & Orion were the same age. They grew up together, played together, fought together, drank together, and went scrumping apples together.

There was a man called Troll, son of Throat, son of Thorn. Troll had a daughter called Trudi. She was tall and strong. One summer, Trudi had a daughter named Treasure. Some said the daughter looked like Orion. Some said she looked like Pete. Thorn took twenty men and went to Offal’s farm to look for Orion. Then he went to Bard’s house to look for Pete. Neither could be found. They had taken Offal’s longship and had sailed away with some of Offal’s slaves.

They sailed with the wind along the coast and after a few hours went into a large fjord past many islands and skerries. They were tired and hungry so they cast anchor in a narrow creek. Orion went ashore in a small row boat and found a farmhouse. He killed the farmer and his wife and returned with all of the food he could find. That night they all had a good feast.

The next day they sailed out to sea to find more plunder. They travelled along the coast and put into a creek next to a farm. The farm was owned by Snailbite the Angry, son of Soreknees, son of Sadbeard. Snailbite Sorekneesson was big and strong. Orion and Pete rushed into the house and slew five or six men. Then Snailbite appeared. He had a sword and a halberd and a buckler. He threw the halberd at Orion which went through his breast and out of his back. Orion said “I will die of this wound,” and then he died.

Pete was carrying a sword and an axe and a shield. He swung his axe at Snailbite and struck his buckler which split in two. Snailbite swung his sword at Pete but Pete held his shield at an angle so that the sword glanced to the side. Pete struck with his sword and sliced through Snailbite’s neck so that his head fell forward. Then Pete took food and silver from the farm and went back to his ship.

After that, Pete visited many lands and pillaged wherever he went. He met merchant ships at sea and plundered whenever he got the chance. He fought and slew as is the custom and collected silver and gold and precious stones and fine clothes and sharp swords and strong axes. He carved runes telling of his many successes and conquests.

Pete and his men took land in Iceland and made homesteads. In the evenings, banquets were made and the halls were filled with meats of the best. Ale was served and there were many toasts and all the men were merry and cheerful. Pete sat at the high seat with many of the men who had sailed with him. They all told of their great deeds and sang songs and then they left the feast with much affection.

Some of the men stayed in Iceland for the winter and kept cattle on the good pastures. One of the men was called Kettle, son of Kasper, son of Krypton. He was big and strong. He had a neighbour called Ruff, son of Rotten, son of Rongun. Ruff Rottensson was tall and strong. One day, Kettle was in his field with his cattle when he saw Ruff’s cowherd drive some of Kettle’s cattle off his land. Kettle Kaspersson went to talk to the cowherd and asked him to leave his cattle alone. The cowherd said no, so Kettle took his axe and chopped off the cowherd’s head.

Ruff Rottenson went to Pete and complained about the treatment of his cowherd by Kettle Kaspersson. When Pete found out what happened and that Ruff’s cowherd had been in the wrong, he took out his sword and cut off Ruff’s head and gave all of his cattle to Kettle.

Pete robbed and burned and murdered in Denmark and Scotland and Flanders and Saxony and Ireland and Norway and England. He fought with and killed many including Grimm the Uncanny, Dogtooth the Indecisive, Legiron son of Thorax, and Frigidaire of Halogaland. One day he met a maiden who was weeping. He asked of what family she was and what was the cause of her sorrow. She told him that her father had promised her to his old neighbour Sigmund Dragonbreath but that she would rather die than be forced to marry. Pete took his sword and chopped off Sigmund Dragonbreath’s head.

One day, Pete fell ill, so he called on a woman called Derrida, daughter of Skafolda who was big and strong and who knew magic. She visited Pete in the house that he had built for the winter and told Pete that the runes that had been carved into one of the posts in his house had not been cut right, so she had Pete take the post and have it burned. After that, Pete recovered and was able to leave his bed.

After ten years, Pete went home. He had long hair and a long beard and nobody recognised him apart from Trudi the daughter of Troll. That evening, he stayed with Trudi and had a large feast and drank many horns of ale.

That night in the house of Trudi the daughter of Troll, Pete had visions of another feast. He was sat in the seat of honour at the top table and all around him were the people he had wronged. Opposite him sat Snailbite, Troll, Grimm the Uncanny, Ruff Rottensson, Dogtooth the Indecisive, Legiron son of Thorax, Frigidaire of Halogaland, and Sigmund Dragonbreath. On other tables he recognised some of the farmers he had slain and some of the merchants he had robbed. One by one, each of these people approached Pete and served him food from silver platters. Meats and fish and broths and breads and beers and ales.

When he awoke, Pete wanted to know what his dream meant. He went to speak to old Skollotthora, the mother of Trudi. She was as strong as a man and a great sorceress.

She said: “I was young and walked alone and lost my way on the road I trod. Then I found others to walk with and thought myself rich.”¹

1. From Hávamál – The Words of Odin the High One
   Ungr var ek forðum,
   fór ek einn saman,
   þá varð ek villr vega;
   auðigr þóttumk,
   er ek annan fann,
   maðr er manns gaman. ↩︎