The Ned Wood Archive

I said I didn’t think that I could handle it.
He said, “Of course you can.
You’re a full grown man”.

Beans on Toast, 2025

Joe

After learning how to hula hoop, Joe feels like a new person. Which is always a bit dangerous, because he can get carried away with this new person stuff.

First thing he does is pop in to see Glasto Michelle at her Visions stall. He’s going to buy a wee souvenir for when he catches up with Ellie. That’s the way he’s thinking. “When”, not “If”. “When.” Just a small fridge magnet with a photo of the Tor on it. Something to remember of that weekend. Michelle isn’t there and one of her kids is minding the stall. She does a fine job helping him choose. He tells her all about Ellie and asks the lass to say Hi if Ellie drops in. She humours him.

Second thing he does is go down through the markets to where George bought his parasol. Near the bandstand. He’s after a big bright colourful scrunchie. He’s wearing the skirt again this morning and a big bright colourful shirt with the face of a tiger on it. He finds a blue and gold scrunchie that sort of matches both. He thinks. Really he needs George with him to advise on his colour schemes.

He’s really getting carried away now. He goes back through the markets then up past West Holts to where that supplies stall is. The next bit is a little challenging so he strolls into the Green Fields to have a sit down and think. He ends up in the Healing Field, in the water circle where they’ve got that little water garden. He’s not been sat there long before someone comes up and starts to chat. This happens a lot at Glastonbury. Especially in Healing Field. Especially on Sunday morning.

“I can see that you’re looking for someone,” she says. She’s maybe as old as his mom. Has long grey hair and soothing eyes. Wearing a long flowing red and white dress. Joe would love to know how she knew. Anyway, he’s in a wonderful Sunday morning mood, a life is sweet mood, and doesn’t mind chatting. He asks her what she does. She’s a healer. She says “I talk. I do other stuff: reiki, reflexology, aromatherapy, cranial massage, readings too: tarot, palm, whatever – but talking is what matters. Everything else is all just an excuse to talk. Sometimes you treat the symptom like a back ache; sometimes you just need to facilitate the chat. It’s all about what helps you believe”. Joe hasn’t heard of half of that stuff, but he doesn’t need to know.

He tells her about Ellie and what had happened. And he tells her about how girls have those eyes that’ll cut you to ribbons sometimes. How he lit a fire that wouldn’t go out. “Oh she’s not far away, dear. You’ll soon find her. But you’ve got something else on your mind,” she tells him. “Much less important, but more short term.” That’s also true. Joe’s decided to get rid of his beard. That’s why he’s just bought a razor from the supplies stall. One of those throwaway ones. That’s what he was trying to work out just now when he sat down. Exactly how is he going to shave his beard off? He tells the healing woman this mainly because he thinks it’ll help him to think out loud. He doesn’t expect any direct help from her. But he’s wrong.

“Just wait here a moment,” she says and disappears behind the line of tents over on the right.

Fairly soon she returns with this rather Dickensian gent. He’s wearing stripey leggings, a vest, and a jacket. He’s got long dreadlocks and a massive beard as well as an assortment of chains round his neck. Perhaps the dreadlocks aren’t that Dickensian.

“Prospero here will sort you out,” she says. To be honest, Joe thinks he’s being wound up. It doesn’t look like this Prospero chap has even heard of the invention of the razor.

But he has. For some reason, he’s also heard of beard manicure kits, one of which he produces for Joe. He sets up a mirror against one of the signs they put outside their healing tents and procures a basin of warm soapy water for Joe to use. He opens the kit and gives Joe a pair of scissors to trim the beard down short enough so he can shave it. Once he’s done that, he has Joe wash his face before letting Joe shave off the remaining hair. It’s ages since Joe shaved, but with the new razor and the wet hair it goes remarkably well. Of course it itches a bit when he’s finished but there are only a couple of nicks and a cold water rinse helps get over those. Joe looks at the mirror. He has to admit it. He’s rather pleased with the new Joe.

The healer comes and sits next to him. She sits silently for maybe a couple of minutes after which she tells Joe to look at the water garden. Joe sees a blue dragonfly hovering over the pools. Then it teleports somewhere else. Joe thinks this is what quantum physics looks like. The dragonfly stays in one place until it notices that it is being observed, then it reappears instantaneously in another place. Joe doesn’t see it move. He just sees that it has reappeared somewhere else. In fact, he doesn’t know whether it is even the same dragonfly. Maybe the original dragonfly has resurfaced up around Oxford or somewhere.

“It’s hunting,” says the woman. “Watch and learn.”

Joe looks confused.

“It knows what it wants. It’s decided long ago. Now it’ll follow its heart to find what it’s looking for. Then strike. When the time is right. Just like a cat. Or an eagle.”

Joe watches.

“Your trouble is you don’t know when to use your heart and when to use your head. If you get your heart and head aligned, you’ll be unstoppable. You’ve made the decisions. That’s the hard part. Now follow your heart, Joe. Follow your heart. Then, when you get the opportunity, grab it with both hands. Seize the day”

“Wish me luck,” he says as he gets up to leave.

“Pah! You make your own luck,” she replies.