The Ned Wood Archive

Sam

Sam is enchanted by Hamish Hawk.  It’s the combination of a witty turn of phrase and a delightful hook.  Right from the start when he compared someone saying “I wanna be cremated” to the Ramones.  Just that once being called Juliet.  Worth the price of admission just for the first song.  The serpentine sleekness of his words.  That was always Sam’s weakness.  Like a simple tune.   

Those memorable snippets echo round in his head.  Nancy dearest dancing past.  Like ‘Common People’ on an upright piano.  Paying over the odds for a seat in the gods.  A man who understands.  And he played a song called Little Black Buzzer that Sam had heard before from some Ivor Cutler album.  They share a similar sense of humour.

He tells Lyn and Lex how much he enjoyed the gig and thanked them for suggesting it.  He’d come up straight after Ferry and they’d met up as planned.  Now he offered them another cup of tea over in the T Room, but Lex pointed out that he’d only just bought them one.  Only just?  That was like three or four hours ago.  Before Ferry.  Sam’s getting a bit hungry, even if they aren’t.  They stand around for a bit trading suggestions for a next move.  Sam’s trying to decide, as Lyn and Lex probably are too, whether to split up or hang around together.  Then Sam notices the girls outside Scissors – the girls they’d met up with earlier that afternoon to hand over the wallet.  They have their backs to the venue and are looking out at the masses walking up and down the hill. The one that took the wallet is wearing a black tux which he thinks looks pretty smart. He points them out to Lyn and Lex and walks over, intending to ask after the wallet and whether it’s found its owner.

Before he gets to where the girls are standing, the drag king compere they’d seen on the Thursday comes out of Scissors and starts drumming up a crowd.  The Pet Shop Boys It’s a Sin is playing in the background.  The drag king says something to the girls and then goes into his spiel for the crowd… “Dearly beloved friends, we are gathered here, etc etc..”

Sam turns to Lyn and Lex.  He’s about to explain that you quite often get people making vows up at the Park.  He’s seen them up by the sign in previous years.  Then he realises it’s bloody obvious what’s about to happen and they’ve already sussed it too, so he stands with them, watching.  Passers by stop to watch too.  The PA briefly plays a tacky disco version of Mendelsohn’s wedding march then segues into Male Stripper by Man 2 Man and out of Scissors waltz a couple of characters.  They are both brightly dressed.  One’s wearing a skirt, a big bright skirt to go with their big bright shirt, and a veil covering their face.  The other one in the colourful trousers looks vaguely familiar to Sam.  They approach the girls who have only just realised what is going on. The girls turn round just as the familiar looking of the two from Scissors lifts the veil of the other.  This one looks vaguely familiar too.  Then it clicks.  It’s those two blokes that were wearing the skirts that Sam spoke to yesterday.

The ‘bride’ in the skirt and the ‘groom’ in the jacket take one look at each other and immediately hug each other in one long, loving, kiss.  The drag king makes the most of it: tells them they have to wait, that they aren’t legal yet, etc, etc, etc, coughs twice then, rather than trying to separately them, quickly runs through the rest of the ‘service’: 

“Do-you-Elena-take-Josephine-to-be-your-lawful-wedded-spouse-[gasp]-you-do-[gasp]-Do-you-Josephine-take-Elena-to-be-your-lawful-wedded-spouse-[gasp]-you-do-[gasp]-I-now-pronounce-you-man-and-woman-[gasp]-Son-you-may-continue-kissing-the-bride.”  

A big cheer goes up from the watching crowd while the newlyweds continue as suggested.  

Sam thinks this must be the most Glastonbury moment he’s ever witnessed.  Lyn is watching Sam.  He’s got tears in his eyes.  Lyn knows why.  

The couple stop and look around.  It’s clear to Sam that they’ve spotted a few of their friends who now go up and shake hands and hug bodies.  A couple of women the same age as them talk to the girls.  A group of four or five crowd around the bloke.  Then they get introduced to each other.  Sam waits for the opportunity to go over and wish them both well.  He feels that he’s involved somehow.  When the girl notices him, she waves over at him, smiles, and, as if she’s only just remembered, opens the bag that she’s got round her waist, takes out the wallet, and holds it up for Sam to see.  Then she turns and hands it to the bloke she just married.