The Ned Wood Archive

The things that I must do

consist of more than style

Love

We met Bill the philosopher that week.  Me and Bernie were sat in the Coffee Bar recovering from our exams and he walked in as if he was lost.  There was a guy we called Mr Decisive who used to walk around the New Ref with his lunch tray and never be able to settle.  We didn’t go to the New Ref for lunch often, but whenever we went in he was there, wandering round carrying his lunch, but never deciding where to sit and never getting to eat it.

When Bill walked into the Coffee bar that day, he had the same lost look that Mr Decisive had.  That “I don’t know where I am, I don’t know what to do, I don’t even know how to get out of this” look.  So, we asked him what he wanted.  Apparently, he’d been looking all around the union, but no-one had helped him.

I guess we should have asked Mr Decisive what he wanted too and put him out of his misery.  But then, the New Ref wasn’t our responsibility.  The Coffee Bar was, so, when Bill entered looking lost, we decided to help him out.

Bill’s got this absent minded professor way of talking.  It seems like he’s not even listening to himself.  His brain has sent the message to his mouth and then deleted it.  Same way, he certainly gives the impression that he’s not listening to what you’re saying.  He reminds me of when I was a kid and I used to listen to radio Luxembourg late at night on my old radio.  I had to keep the sound down low so the old dears couldn’t hear.  Trouble was that the signal would keep drifting, so the reception would go up the spout halfway through ‘I Hear You Knocking’ or ‘No Matter What’.  So I’d have to keep one hand on the dial to keep re-tuning the radio.  Bill was like that.  You’d think you were tuned in to him and then a minute later you couldn’t pick him up.  He’d be talking, but you couldn’t make out what he was saying.

What he said this first time was:  “Where are the lecture halls?”  Now bear in mind that this is May, right.  The end of the University year.

Bernie said, “How long you been here mate?” and Bill says, “Don’t get worried, it’s only my first year”.  I guessed that made us feel a little less sorry for him.

So we answered his question about the lecture theatres.  “They’re all over the place mate, what sort do you want?”

So he says, “Come off it, I’ve looked all round this building and I can’t see any.”

“No, mate, this is the Union.  You come here to eat and to listen to the Juke Box.  You need to go to your department for lectures.”  So we took him upstairs to the front door and showed him the view across the campus.  “See, over there’s the Biology and Geology Building which we have to use.  That’s the Physics Building, that’s the Maths Building, and that’s the Arts Building where they do languages.  Then, over the road are the Engineering Buildings and the Chemistry Building and so on.  Which course are you on?”

And he says Philosophy.  So I ask Bernie where’s the Philosophy Building and Bernie says there is no philosophy building, so Bill says:

“Like I said, where are the lecture theatres?”