The Ned Wood Archive has been privileged to accompany DCI Lesley Neilsen and the Frivolous Crime Unit at this year’s World Cup. We are proud to present this exclusive special report into their Frivolous Crime Investigation in Doha.
First we spoke to DCI Neilsen about the work …
DCI Nielsen: “The UK sends a number of police units to all World Cups to help things pass smoothly and ensure that UK citizens do not transgress local laws. The most visible are the SEOs [Supporter Engagement Officers] – these officers give advice to supporters to prevent them causing offence and act as a buffer between them and the local law – SEOs are there to prevent crime. Then we have the various crime units to police UK citizens and step in if they break the law: Serious Crime, Fraud, Organised Crime. We are just a part of that. Our job is to react to crime – investigate and make arrests. The FCU [Frivolous Crime Unit] has been attending all of the World Cups since 1990.”
Ned Wood Archive: “What is Frivolous Crime?”
DCI Nielsen: “Let me give you some examples of different types of crime. Starting with Serious crime …
DCI Nielsen: “What…?”
Ned Wood Archive: “Sorry about the interruption – our contract with FIFA requires that we show a picture of the FIFA president at the beginning of each article.”
DCI Nielsen: “Where were we…?”
Ned Wood Archive: “You were about to give us some examples of serious crime ….”
DCI Nielsen: “Well, embezzling £200 million of public money is Serious Crime…
“Embezzling £200 million of public money on the pretence of supplying PPE is fraud…
“Running a government racket to embezzle £200 million of public money on the pretence of supplying PPE is Organised Crime…”
Ned Wood Archive: “OK, can you give us an example of frivolous crime?”
DCI Nielsen: “There are many things that frivolous people do to wind other folk up, like talking in lifts, whistling in the streets, wearing odd socks. I’d summarise frivolous crime as anything that people do to have fun that the majority of people in the UK take offence to. A good measure of whether a frivolous crime has taken place is to monitor the reaction on Twitter. If an action causes a Twitter firestorm, then it is likely to be an offence.
Ned Wood Archive: “You mean like Ball Recovery Time or those VAR decisions?”
DCI Nielsen: “No, those aren’t crimes. They are all part of the entertainment. It’s like wrestling. People love to have a villain to hate. “
Ned Wood Archive: “How does the UK operation compare with other operations around the world?”
DCI Nielsen: “Not many countries care as much about frivolous crime as we do. Basically, most of Europe and America is cool about it. Only countries like Iran and Indonesia get wound up about frivolous crime, but we don’t really like to put ourselves in the same boat as them. In fact, the UK is the only country with a Frivolous Crime Unit. Before Brexit, we used to get humoured by our colleagues on the continent; however, now, we are on our own.”
DCI Neilsen invites us to spend a day with her at her headquarters out near the Al Bayt Stadium. “Headquarters” was a bit of an extravagant word for what was basically a laptop in a hotel room near the beach. Anyway, the pool looked inviting. However, before we could take a dip, we were interrupted by incoming news of suspected crimes.
The first call was from an anonymous caller. Apparently, it had been reported that an England supporter has been seen in the crowd at various games while bearing a marked resemblance to Steve McClaren. Twitter was warming up. DCI Neilsen had an FIO [Frivolity Investigating Officer] named DI Thomas Dick investigate. No sooner had that call been made than another caller reported an ITV pundit making a couple of mistakes live on air. Twitter was beginning to meltdown. DCI Nielsen had another of her team (DI Richard Harry) investigate.
We were just about to order drinks on her tab when Neilsen got called away to discuss yet another issue with a third FIO. DI Henry Tom had been tasked with observing Roy Keane after a tip-off that suggested he would be a magnet for frivolous behaviour. Sure enough, all DI Tom needed to do was to wait for Roy the Boy to blow his top and he would be sure to have stumbled across excess gaiety. As a result, he’d witnessed Senegalese drumming at their games and Brazilians dancing at their games.
DCI Neilsen walked back into the room with a smile on her face.
“There is an outbreak of significant frivolity at this World Cup. Keep this under your hat until after the event, but I believe that what we are seeing is the work of an FCG.”
FCG?
“Yes. Frivolous Crime Gang. These crimes are coordinated. I believe that there is a mastermind behind of of these occurrences. I must go and coordinate the efforts of my team. I’ll call you when we have any more information”
And with that she rushed off. About a week later, I got a call from her office inviting me to tag along with an FRU [Frivolity Response Unit]. An unmarked car picked me up at 9:30 the following morning. In the back, DCI Neilsen filled me in on the background and asked me to put on a long white shirt – a thobe, a common item of clothing in the Arabian Peninsula. This would make me slightly less conspicuous, although no-one would be fooled into thinking I was a local. I realised I could be getting the scoop of the century. Neilsen’s team had managed to locate and follow the Steve McClaren lookalike after a game. When Roy Keane and Eniola Aluko had been spotted in the same area the following day, Neilsen believed she had located the FCG’s headquarters.
The car drove along the Corniche. Massive new skyscrapers to my right, beautiful blue sea to my left. Construction everywhere. Then, suddenly, we took a right turn into the old town. Well, oldish town – it looked as new as everywhere else. We pulled up. Nielsen told me to get out of the car and follow her. We entered the narrow streets of a souk – a tourist trap with narrow alleys and vennels. Like Carnaby Street, but with different tat and Messi shirts everywhere. We got to a small square with shops around the outside. I was told to go into one of the boutiques and pretend to browse so I was out of the way. However, I could watch what Neilsen and her team were doing through the window. I saw them race race up some steps to a balcony and then disappear through an arch.
Minutes later, DI Dick came down into the shop where I was trying not to buy a set of cooking pots.
“We’re too late. They must have been tipped off. However, you may as well come up and look at what’s left,” he said.
I followed. We entered a dark room, but it was evident that it had recently been occupied and that the occupants had recently left in a hurry. The detritus of the operation remained. A dentist’s chair. A pair of fake plastic breasts (female). A retro England shirt with the number 19 on the back.
DCI Neilsen: “I knew we were dealing with a sophisticated crime, but these remnants mean we were up against the best. This can only be the work of one man – Gazza – Paul Gascoigne – the Napoleon of Frivolity.
“I’ll get him next time… ”
The Ned Wood Archive 